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After working in HR for 30 years, I was told today that I was “too aggressive” and that I came across as if I had an agenda. I have never had someone say this to me before — I have been told to speak up more and be tougher at times.
 

I guess as a female, I have always been blessed with working with teams that valued a strong, opinionated woman. And yes, I do have an agenda when I go to a meeting. I am an HR director with tough items that must be addressed. I am having a hard time taking this all in.
 

I guess I am looking for guidance. My heart and gut tell me that if I were male, this would never have been said to me. Maybe I am wrong? Maybe I am taking this too personally. However, I also know this is the third time this particular person, who I’ll call Mark, has complained that a female was too harsh with him.
 

Any advice on how to move forward and move on would be much appreciated. I can’t keep letting this eat at me.

I wish I could get you not to let this eat at you, but I’m the one who remembers the stupid things I said 40 years ago. You shouldn’t let this eat at you, and I know you’re not too aggressive. Why? I noticed two important things in your letter.

1. “This is the third time this particular person has complained that a female was too harsh with him.”

Yeah, this is a him problem, not a you problem. Sometimes people are too aggressive. This is absolutely true. It’s also true that sometimes people label women as aggressive when they would label a man behaving the same way as showing leadership.

The fact that he has complained about two other women being too harsh indicates that what he doesn’t care for is women telling him what to do. And I guarantee it has been far more than three women he thought were too harsh.

2. “Maybe I am wrong? Maybe I am taking this too personally.” 

People who are too aggressive don’t spend time thinking, “Maybe I’m wrong.” They think, “Boy that person is a jerk. I’m not too aggressive!” and then they kick some puppies or something.

You’re worried about it. You’re not the problem here.

That’s not to say you can’t be nicer. We all could probably stand to be a little nicer. But if you’ve been in HR for 30 years and this is the first time someone has called you too aggressive, then I’m pretty darn sure the problem is you’re not aggressive enough.

Nice is good, but nice can also make you a pushover. So toughen up a bit! Here’s what you need to do.

Be prepared

This is not the last time this man will complain about you or another woman being aggressive. You know it’s coming, so be prepared. Practice responses so that they come out like you are unbothered. That way, when Mark says something rude about women, you will respond properly.

• Mark: You always come to these meetings with an agenda. Can’t you just let us all work together?
• You: Thank you for noticing that I am prepared to make the best use of our time. As the HR director, it is my responsibility to look out for the best interests of the company and the employees, and so I am always prepared
• Mark: You are so aggressive.
• You: Thank you. It’s how I get things done.
• Mark: You are so aggressive.
• You: My behavior resembles Steve’s, yet you never say anything to him. Why is that?

This, of course, is not the end of how you will handle people like Mark. You’ll also handle him like the aggressive, awesome HR professional that you are. In addition to providing a comeback in the moment, you’re going to find out just how deep his problem is.

Conduct an investigation

If he’s being this sexist to the HR director, imagine what he’s like to lower-level women who don’t have 30 years of experience to rely on. It’s time to conduct an investigation. Because you’re one of the victims, I recommend hiring an outside person to investigate.

(Remember, in California, external investigators must either be attorneys or licensed private detectives.)

When you get the results of the investigation, handle accordingly. If all he’s doing is making snide sexist remarks, he may just need a performance improvement plan and some coaching. If he fails, he’s fired.

But I suspect the investigation will come back that he is much worse than calling women aggressive. Most likely he’s got a lot more sexist skeletons in his closet. If the investigator determines his behavior is more serious, then Mark is fired as well.

As an HR professional, your job is to protect the company, and you do so by ensuring no one has to work with someone who is a sexist jerk. Hold your head high, be as aggressive as you feel like, and hire an investigator.  

Send questions to evilhrlady@gmail.com.

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